A player’s worst nightmare. Boris flips a switch and suddenly you can’t come within two metres of the person you fancy, let alone get down to what you actually want to be doing. Alas, no longer is a face chiseled by the gods enough to get you laid. Those who wish to be the real winners in these unprecedented times must adapt to survive, but how exactly are the rules changing and is it really improving the way we communicate with each other?
We Have Nothing Better To Do
Without warning, ‘Sorry mate, I just don’t have the time’ loses its credit as one of the most effective excuses going. Everyone has the time. Too much time to know what to do with. So each of us find ourselves with too many hours on our hands to craft witty responses and smarter methods of flirtation. It’s almost a miracle we aren’t all experts on the art of chat by now. Quite honestly, if you didn’t leave ‘wuu2? Xx’ in year 8 where it belongs then nothing, not even a global pandemic will make you see the error in your ways.
Lack of intimacy means you are pretty much forced to get to know someone
Now I’m not going to start pointing any fingers, but Netflix released their hit ‘Too Hot To Handle’ at a suspiciously convenient time considering we are all living our own less glamorous, more banana-bread-filled version of the show. For those of you who haven’t put yourselves through the pain, it’s basically a hornier, rip off version of love island in which the programme’s toned women and bicep boasting men must give up sex for months on end to win the $100,000 prize. The producers claim that the aim of the show is to promote meaningful relationships based on more than just physical attraction. After all, nothing says meaningful quite like financial incentive. Despite my cynicism, the parallels between the frustration in the show and the lockdown reality cannot go unnoticed. Isolation really has swung the personality / physical attraction pendulum in favour of everyone brandishing a bit of charisma. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure a dazzling smile can get you far in life but I am doubtful of how much it can do for you after the 5th week of lockdown. Is the pandemic promoting an evolution in the way we communicate? Or perhaps the opposite; a step back in time to the days of courtship and chivalry. Talking for weeks on end before you get to see the one you so desire in the flesh could prove to be agonising for some, and an important reminder of what you definitely do not want from a relationship for others. There is one thing that’s for sure, the uncertainty around the length of the lockdown requires a game of timing and skill, adaptation is essential to survival.
An Opportunity For Creativity
The realisation comes early. The classic, nice guy, caring ‘What did you get up to today x’ becomes mundane, even irritating when the repeated, honest response is ‘Absolutely fuck all.’ For those lucky bastards who are fortunate enough to really hit it off with someone in quarantine, their time to shine comes when the creativity kicks in. From ordering each other food and having a zoom dinner date to the much more immature but occasionally effective method of ‘accidentally’ being left in a Houseparty room alone with someone (always ingeniously engineered by a friend), people up and down the country have been testing out new ways to keep things interesting.
Overall, the lockdown is the perfect opportunity to put your chat to the test, and if you still feel that things aren’t going your way just remember, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.